On guard, self! How to combat your own worst enemy.
I have a challenge: I fight myself constantly. This can be a positive trait when I am balancing my own viewpoints — for instance, empathizing with others’ perspectives. But more often than not, this is a negative trait — one I find is constantly oppressing me, even when I try my best to employ positive self-talk and imagery.
Let me offer an example. I read a staggering statistic that over 250K novels are written each year, yet only .01% of them get published. Ouch. That sword just stabbed me directly in the heart. While I pour my life into my novels in my free time, the likelihood of them going anywhere is slim. ‘Then why try?’ I reason. Debates like this pull me into a whirlpool of despair and when I try to emerge, I tend to resemble Ursula with her mean face and electrified trident.
Good thing I love tackling a challenge. Let’s unpack the truth, because I hypothesize my issues are not unique, and all of these tools can apply to any difficulty you may be experiencing, not just writing. Also, I’d rather not look like that ^.
We are smart and worthy.
Someone recently asked me, ‘What do you think surprises people most about you?’ My answer: that I’m actually a smart person. Their jaw dropped and I was immediately reprimanded for sounding self-deprecating.
‘Why would anyone expect less?’ they asked. I explained I work in technology — a male-dominated industry. I’m a woman of small physical stature at only 5'1 with an typical undergrad degree (B.B.A.). I’m not an expert in any one thing, but I have myriad skillsets in a number of things. People don’t generally assume I’m a philosophical genius. (I’m not claiming I am, by the way. Oh look, there I go doubting myself again.)
Guess what? You don’t have to be the next Einstein to deliver value. No matter why you doubt yourself, realize you are here for a reason, and do your best to discover what it is, if you haven’t already. Think of a time you delivered something someone truly needed: a message, a meal, a hug, a smile. How did that make you feel? Good, I bet? Do more of it. And don’t forget to do it for yourself too.
You owe yourself a good look at your worth and an honest evaluation of what brings you joy. Only you can truly evaluate yourself, and you’re smart enough for the task, I guarantee you.
Goals are paramount.
Without a goal, I wander aimlessly. When you find yourself lost, inspect your goals. Sometimes they’re hidden above the clouds, but they still exist even if they’re not always visible to you. Climb the mountain. Uncover them. Evaluate them. Respect them. You set them for a reason, but you also have the power to change them. Don’t take that power lightly and don’t disregard it. Harness it.
Next, reframe your mindset. Avoid disparaging thoughts, like ‘I’ll never get there.’ Instead, ask ‘How will I get there?’
Support yourself, and find others who will support you on your journey. Recognize that goals are achievable with the right implementation plan. Is your goal SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound)? If not, spend some time defining it so you can feel a sense of achievement when you’re there. And better yet, break it down into smaller pieces so you can celebrate your wins along the way.
Visualization is key.
Success begins with mental strength. Mental strength begins with a visualization of success.
I’m training for the Ironman next year. That’s 140.6 miles of swimming, biking, and running. I took my stand-up paddleboard (SUP) out in August to paddle the 3,800 meters in a river, imagining every stroke was an arm reaching out to pull the water and propel myself forward. This visualization technique helps me remember to appreciate the distance, and realize it is manageable with adequate training.
To effectively work toward your goal, find a way to visualize it. Write it down. Draw it out. Imagine yourself in that successful position, whatever that means to you. Find a way to track it and make it real. It’s tempting to look at all the things you haven’t done yet, but don’t forget to reflect on all the things you have achieved, which put you in the position you’re in today.
Love yourself.
It’s in my nature to prioritize collaboration and likeability over everything. That means I find it uncomfortable to market myself out of a fear of bragging, because I’m afraid of being disliked.
- If you aren’t self-aware of your own traits, take a personality test to improve your emotional intelligence.
- Find ways to appreciate your value. Cite statistics that help you feel your ‘swagger’ is rooted in facts. For example, ‘My four recent LinkedIn articles I wrote as a series on applying Agile software development methodology in non-software environments resulted in an average engagement of 51.6%.’
- Don’t try to be great at everything. Just find those things that bring you joy, do them well, and let your passion shine. You’ll be happier, as will those around you.
Take a deep breath and find the inner harmony that shows your self-respect. Maybe you’re lost, but you will find yourself if you’re looking. Put down your dueling swords and shake your own hand. Nothing you do to support yourself is ever wasted time.
#noregrets
The postings on this site are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer.
